“We feel the need to control when we feel out of control.” A.L.
Of course you feel the need to control, your life is totally out of control.
This isn’t how you thought parenting would look; unable to even register your child for school without consent that you can’t get because your co-parent disagrees with your choice, not because the school is bad but because the school was your idea.
Unable to travel without a consent to travel letter, which you can’t get unless you apply to the courts because your co-parent won’t grant permission.
And agreeing on extra-curricular activities?
Forgetaboutit. (Bill Eddy)
You’ve lost the ability to make basic decisions for your children simply because you are no longer in an intact relationship with their other parent.
You are under a microscope for everything you say and do and regardless of your intensions, your words and actions are always twisted into something negative.
You feel like a puppet, being forced to comply with whatever the puppeteer wants.
And you’re done. You are done being on the wrong side of the control. You’re done being told you don’t know what is in your kid’s best interests. Your done not being able to help shape your kids with your values and views. Your done feeing like nothing you say or do matters, that your co-parent gets everything they want and you don’t.
So, you stick your heels in the sand hit a full stop. Your life has gotten to a point where it feels so out of control, you decide to take back control of the situation.
Except that it’s not really control you want, it’s mutual respect and decision making. Being controlling isn’t really your thing, you just know you can’t live another second living under your co-parent’s thumb.
But you’re taking back control from your out of control life so you start sending demanding emails, you start limiting parenting time, you start trying to control Christmas, Easter, summer holidays.
And it feels good at first, you’re doing something to counter your co-parents control! You’re standing up to your co-parent. Your using your voice! You’re giving your kids a voice!
But that good feeling quickly passes because you realize that when you try to control, you are giving your co-parent the fight, the resistance, they want. And the conflict doesn’t decrease, it escalates. And you are no longer feeling in control, in fact, you’re feeling even more out of control because not only are you losing the conflict battle, you are going against your core value system.
If your response pattern is to control when you feel out of control, it’s because you are trying to feel powerful in a powerless situation. And your situation feels powerless because you’ve given up your power, to an external source.
“I don’t want control, I want to let go.” Pink
What you really want is to let go; let go of the fear, the anger, the sorrow, the resentment, the ‘what ifs’, the despair, the sadness, the loss of self, the anxiety and the control.
Oddly enough, letting go of control will give you control. Let’s unravel your control response pattern and get you to a more awesome place. Book a session with Andrea today!
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